Hawaiian Reeves

Hawaiian is pretty much done with Bachelorhood.

And what I mean by that is that I’m finally done watching The Bachelor. Which is sad, really, because this probably is the best bachelor they’ve ever had — he’s smarter, better looking, better educated, and probably taller than any of his predecessors. He seems to like quirky (but not crazy) women, and he’s managed to learn to appear interested in what they say, or so the editors would have us believe.

And yet, in a show that’s supposed to be about romance, this one manages to be anything but. And it’s designed to amplify what is perhaps the worst in stereotypical relationship behavior. Namely, the man isn’t even supposed to admit he’s interested until he’s ready to propose and the women are stuck constantly pleading their case that he should do that very thing. I mean, how can you propose to someone without even knowing what it feels like to say “I love you” to them? And honestly, how can you expect women to fall in love with an ER doctor without knowing what he’s like at the end of a shift or how it feels to be stood up six times in a row because someone is dying, and that’s always going to be just a little bit more important than you are? (Speaking of doctors, if anyone knows an anesthesiologist at Stanford named Vince, my friend Missy would like him to put her to sleep in an entirely tawdry and homeopathic way if he’s available)

I’m all for romance and pretty sets and fairy tale scenery, but if anyone noticed, the women were huddled under fire blankets in the premiere, their cocktail gowns not quite warm enough for outdoor Paris at night. I fully expected to see an ambulance and several fire trucks somewhere in the background. And that, I guess, is a pretty decent metaphor for what i think is wrong with the show. It’s a well-dressed disaster. It’s pretty, but not realistic. And beyond that, it’s not even robust in the way it intends to be.

I want to watch a Bachelor where people fall in love in spite of the odds, not because they’ve been stacked in one direction or the other. And I want them to be open, and honest, and I want it to be possible that he might say he loves her at any moment, and to watch him struggle to pick that time. I don’t want editors cutting the show so that I can’t tell how he’s feeling, because that just makes it all that much harder to believe in the end. And more than anything, I don’t want to be “shocked” by drama or turmoil or women wailing hysterically because a man they’ve known for an hour doesn’t want to father their children.

Maybe the next installment (if ABC is crazy enough to try it) can be on a farm somewhere. No formalwear anywhere in sight. And some old couple can counsel the guy instead of Chris Harrison, who might be the worst host on television. I can imagine some matronly mother of nine saying “Sweetie, are you sure you like that one? I don’t think she’s the kind of woman you’d want to leave alone with your kids.” which would be such an improvement over “take sometime to look at these pictures before handing out your roses.”

And maybe the whole thing would be better, and easier, and much more natural then. I mean, almost any woman can be beautiful under the Eiffel tower, but how many of them are still goingto be hot in a pig pen with mud on her face? And I don’t think it should be demeaning or cruel or farcical. I just think that at some point, the guy will look at the right woman in the most unlikely of circumstances and still see exactly what he’s been so unable to find. And I don’t want producers hiding that from me. Or him. Or her.

Because that, to me, is so much more romantic than the inevitable declaration of love bound to happen on the courtyard of some chateau when this season wraps up. And then the couple has to spend a few months apart before they can date publicly, and perhaps spend the rest of their lives wondering why nothing is perfect as it was in the beginning.

Personally, I’d rather spend the rest of my life grateful that nothing was ever again as hard as it had been in the beginning, and maybe that doesn’t immediately seem like the best formula for reality TV, but it definitely seems like a much better recipe for a real and long term romance.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 18th, 2006 at 1:05 am and is filed under TV. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.