Hawaiian Reeves

Hawaiian is in the throes of a crush. Seriously.

And I’m not sure what to do about it. It’s a tiny one at this point. Just barely there, but present. Like the hint of a cough that could disappear at any moment or turn into a raging fever that leaves me blind to anyone but this curly-haired, broad-grinned guy who manages to make me laugh so easily and often. If the patterns of my past hold, this will be my only crush of the year, so I have to prolong it and languish over it in some tortured and gothic fashion. It also happens that each crush gets just a little bit closer to being right than the one before, which means each one is a little bit more nerve-wracking than the one before, which means I usually want it to end almost as much as I’d like it to be real.

I find the best way to deal with these things is to look for greener pastures, but the two fields I visited in the past week were apparently seeded during heavy droughts. The not-so-baby bear from Monday night was as condescending as he was round, which only managed to kill one of our appetites at dinner. I mean, I realize that my childhood love of geography was sparked by watching beauty pageants which means that I can’t tell the British Virgin Islands from the U.S. Virgin Islands on a map, but I really don’t need anyone “informing” me that Long Island is in New York. And yes, he really did that.

As for the other guy… he was a pocket gay with a cute smile and good intentions, but he wasn’t crush-worthy, perhaps in part because I could so easily crush him. There was still space to fill in my arms when I hugged him goodbye, and all I could think about was the fact that there is someone else who’s just a little bit taller, just a little bit thicker, and just a little bit wider who probably fills that space quite nicely.

And so in search of truly greener pastures I turn to TV, the source of comfort, information, inspiration, and procrastination for those in the know. On my television I can find men worth of dating who don’t make me blush and bashful in person because they are distant, edited, scripted, and totally and completely user-friendly.

Boyfriend #1: Tim Gunn from Project Runway

I know Tim is a bit old for me(by 20 years or so), but if Tom Ford can go older, then so can I. There’s something lovely about Tim’s whole uptight thing that makes you think he has to let loose at some point, and it’s probably not at Red Lobster. Tim is first on the list just to get the shame of the admission out of the way, so in Tim’s words… carry on.

Boyfriend #2: George O’Malley from Grey’s Anatomy

George is most definitely a green pasture for me. There’s nothing better than the sweet, underappreciated guy with curly hair and and a cute face. A friend of mine describes himself as a George even though he’d rather be an Alex. (Is this show the new Sex and the City? Are we all going to be a George, Alex, Meredith, or Christina now? If so, I’m afraid I might be a Meredith, and I’m not ready to accept that.) Anyway, no one should want the guy/girl who goes after Alex. It’s all about appreciating the George.

Boyfriend #3: Tyler Florence of FoodNetwork fame

Yes, I know he’s straight and married, but in Hawaiian’s TV world, Tyler is  just the cute/hot boy next door who knows how to cook and says things like “You like that? You like that? That’s beautiful, man, that’s beautiful,” when feeding people pasta sauce. If that’s the way he talks in the kitchen, there’s no telling just how things play out in the bedroom. I love you and your pasta sauce, Tyler. You can teach me how to boil water anytime.

Boyfriend #4: Charlie Eppes from Numb3rs

If I ignore the fact that this guy was the annoying slightly chubby friend in 10 Things I Hate About You and simply focus on how much he looks like Dweezil Zappa, Charlie becomes the sort of mathematician who might be able to solve the mystery of my bachelorhood. Call me crazy, but I like the TV-friendly idea of a mathematician who’s just slightly socially awkward instead of genuinely autistic, and my weakness for a good J-Fro  makes Charlie the kind of guy with whom I’d like to crunch the numbers.

Boyfriend #5: Daniel Vosovic from Project Runway

I almost don’t want to mention Daniel because he seems the most real of all possibilities, and I actually had some sort of fling with a guy who could be his twin brother until said doppelganger decided that a better alternative to dating me was pursuing a partnered TV weatherman and spending time alone with his cats. I’m not gonna deny I that definitely dodged a bullet with that one.  Daniel, on the other hand, strikes me as the fairly loyal sort who could have my affections handily sewn up in no time.  Just as soon as he gets a haircut.

But now it’s time for me to turn off my television and go to sleep. And in the few minutes of darkness between now and the nothingness of slumber, I’ll be reminded that for now, and unless this current crush turns into some rare and wonderful vintage, the only thing I’ll be wrapping my arms around is my pillow.

This entry was posted on Monday, February 13th, 2006 at 4:48 am and is filed under Dating, TV. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.