Hawaiian Reeves

Hawaiian is deeply sorry for the weeks of neglect. If he were a better person, this simply wouldn’t happen.

And yes, my friends, I have been properly punished. To begin with, Just My Luck had a terrible script. Truly terrible. Like, almost as bad as Simply Irresistible, which I’ll still watch on cable but almost abandoned in the theater. And then I had to see my mother. And then I got a wicked sunburn. And then, of course, because it is my job to amuse you, I sprained my ankle on the first day of hip hop class.

What? Hawaiian-style hip hop? Doesn’t that sound like an accident waiting to happen? Isn’t Hawaiian a big 30-year old white guy who’s guilty of watching So You Think You Can Dance and who could be accused of having a mild obsession with any and all dance movies, but who never, ever dances himself? Doesn’t this sound like the sort of trainwreck destined to haunt and humor onlookers for a lifetime? Well, yes, it does. And it was. And somewhere, right now, a 17-year old girl who dances like her mother is watching, is sitting in a campus dorm with other kids here for a summer program, telling a story that probably once again has the punchline “and believe it or not, he was completely horizontal in midair.”

So yes, I have been shown the error of my ways, and I really, truly promise not to fall off the wagon (or the dance floor) in quite the same way ever again. I may have said something similar once before, but this time I have scar tissue and shame to remind me of my trespass. Once things get a bit more visually appealing around here, I’ll be as a faithful to this blog as a chastised husband. (Which, I’m only guessing, means you’ll be getting action at least 2 or 3 times a week.)

In fact, just to keep myself honest, here are a few things that might surface on the waters of this page sometime soon:

1.)I have a date this week with some guy who keeps threatening to do things like “excavate my mind.” I don’t know why I do this to myself. I really don’t. I already know he doesn’t belong in my sandbox, but it could still be worth the story.
2.)I’m going to NYC in a couple of weeks. And while there, I’m planning to tell my current crush that he is, in fact, my current crush. I don’t know what to expect from this, and again, I don’t know why I do this to myself, but there’s always that chance that it might also be worth the story.

3.)The latest cycle of Project Runway is hitting Bravo. I’m not sure if I’m ready to invest heavily in another cycle of this show so soon after the last one, but I do miss Tim and Michael and Nina and Heidi, so let’s hope they also give us something to talk about.

In other news, I saw both the new Superman movie and The Devil Wears Prada this week. I’m my dream world, I’d like to meld the two into one superhappy gay film called Superman Wears Prada where the man of Steel saves a runway show and all of fashion from the evil Patternmaker with Shears of Doom. At the end of the movie, Meryl Streep gives a final smile of approval as the superhero ditches the dowdy Lois Lane for Alessandra Ambrosio, and the superhero and supermodel then live happily ever after.

Alas, this did not happen, so let me break the two of them down for you quickly, diva v. dragonslayer, by examining someof the more crucial elements of each, um, film.

Best Signature hair: Meryl’s frosty and overpowering wave easily trumped Superman’s missing curly forelock. Winner: Devil

Most Dowdy Reporter: Even in her worst Contempo clashmere sweater, Anne Hathaway isn’t an unattractive as a very unfeminine Kate Bostworth playing Lois Lane. The odd shape of her forehead in profile aside, Kate’s mane doesn’t see a brush during the entire movie, and it desperately needs one. Worst-frocked Frau award: Superman

Best wardrobe: Normally, I’m going to side with the movie that has the tall guy in a codpiece on this one, but I just can’t this time. Not only does the Devil go through a dozen or so split-second costume changes, including accessories, but she also trumps the champ when it comes to his most signature item of clothing by outcaping him at least 15:1, andnot all of hers are red and rubbery. Winner: The Devil in a (sometimes) blue (but usually black) dress.

Best sidekick: Though I still think Parker Posey could have used a few more lines in Superman, I know she’s about to put the Oh in Ohio for me in a couple of weeks, and I just wasn’t up for the Devil giving me yet another artsy gay character with no satisfying personal life, so he has to throw himself into his work. Yes, being the chief stylist at a fashion magazine probably has some perks, but they don’t really compare to being the most favorite mistress of the genius villian. Winner: Everything’s coming up Posey.
And finally, (just to break the tie)…

Best cameo: Maybe I’m tired of reading about all of the people who appear in the Superman movie in homage to roles they played in early tellings of the Man of Steel tale. I think I’m supposed to be glad that they’re all still alive to keep acting. The Devil trumps, this, however, by having Valentino play himself in the movie. This was clearly the most amazing feat in recent cinematic history because in order to make it happen, Valentino had to either be brought back from the dead, or rescued from Fantasy Island.

Believe it or not, I actually enjoyed both movies. Seriously. I mean, it was tough in a way because one movie made it hard for me to care about the romance, while the other didn’t even want to give me a romance to care about, but I survived. And I’m ok with it. Maybe I’m not supposed to get my summer dose of romance in the cineplex this year. As long as there are no cameras watching or villians to stop, maybe some bit of it is waiting in New York. I’ll know soon enough, I guess. In the meantime I’ll keep hoping I wake up with the ability to fly. Because really, with a sprained ankle and the current absurd price of airline tickets, what more could I ask for?

Besides, I bet it’s a really good workout.

This entry was posted on Monday, July 3rd, 2006 at 12:35 am and is filed under Movies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.