Hawaiian Reeves

Today, Hawaiian is still 29.

But in just over a month I’ll be in a new decade where my hair loss will be expected, the development of jowls will be inevitable, and my complete willingness to watch anything with a commentator will seem par for the course. And while I’m not exactly dreading the number itself in any real way, I also recognize that it definitely marks the end of an era.

I recently had a date with a guy who had skipped two grades as a kid, and was particularly proud of this because it made him part of “a club of people who do things on their own timetable without regard for the norms and pressures of society.” I suppose I could say I’m part of a similar club at this point, the only real difference being that my friends and I are now unlikely to ever again do anything ahead of schedule. Retirement, heart failure, Alzheimer’s, and moving to Florida are the my only remaining options for precocity, and the least likely of those is also the only one that I find at all appealing. Even erectile dysfunction is no longer a surprise at my age, and while I don’t have that particular affliction, my doctor has been very kind to let me know that I should feel free and not ashamed to mention it should the problem ever (not) arise.

In honor of this new era, I considered a Pucker Up and Blow theme for my birthday, with gift bags of party favors to include my favorite lip balm, Sour Patch kids, some Big League Chew, Blow Pops, $100 bills edged with powdered sugar, a kazoo, and a framed copy of my favorite picture of Nicolette Sheridan, but it turns out that I’m too lazy for that. In fact, it’s possible that I still have a few thank you cards to send out from Christmas, so the only giftbags at my birthday party should be ones with my name on them. And since 30 is really the last year it’s even remotely acceptable to expect or accept gifts from people who don’t share your bed, your DNA, or know things about your past that allow the two of you to blackmail each other in perpetuity, I’ve decided to put together a wishlist just in case some of you are feeling generous, have connections that you’ve been hiding from me, or need to be entertained.

So here it is… a birthday wishlist served up Hawaiian-style. And since it’s a big birthday, I might as well list the big-ticket items first.

At the top of the list is definitely the gift that would keep on giving… (more…)

If he’s honest, Hawaiian has to admit that he can usually be described as an “ice freak” during the Winter Olympics, but this year Hawaiian finds himself giving the Games nothing but a cold shoulder.

I realized just how bad it was last night when I caught myself watching the elimination of Danielle (of “Gonzalez Eye” fame) from Beauty and the Geek instead of watching moguls or speed skating or whatever else was on last night. I felt like a traitor. Like someone who doesn’t care about his country. Like someone who won’t be able to discuss all of the drama of figure skating with the other gays. I felt like someone who would never learn the rules and intricacies of curling, and that made me sad.

It was the same feeling I had four years ago when a friend booked my flights to NYC for a weekend and had me on a plane during the entire telecast of the Oscars back when the Oscars mattered and the world didn’t have TiVo. I was a cultural outcast for weeks afterward and my current Olympic-sized apathy for all things gold, silver, and bronze is threatening to do the same thing. Except, of course, that the Olympics kinda suck this year, and everyone knows it.

So why do the Olympics suck? (more…)