Hawaiian Reeves

Hawaiian is deeply sorry for the weeks of neglect. If he were a better person, this simply wouldn’t happen.

And yes, my friends, I have been properly punished. To begin with, Just My Luck had a terrible script. Truly terrible. Like, almost as bad as Simply Irresistible, which I’ll still watch on cable but almost abandoned in the theater. And then I had to see my mother. And then I got a wicked sunburn. And then, of course, because it is my job to amuse you, I sprained my ankle on the first day of hip hop class.

What? Hawaiian-style hip hop? Doesn’t that sound like an accident waiting to happen? Isn’t Hawaiian a big 30-year old white guy who’s guilty of watching So You Think You Can Dance and who could be accused of having a mild obsession with any and all dance movies, but who never, ever dances himself? Doesn’t this sound like the sort of trainwreck destined to haunt and humor onlookers for a lifetime? Well, yes, it does. And it was. And somewhere, right now, a 17-year old girl who dances like her mother is watching, is sitting in a campus dorm with other kids here for a summer program, telling a story that probably once again has the punchline “and believe it or not, he was completely horizontal in midair.”

So yes, I have been shown the error of my ways, and I really, truly promise not to fall off the wagon (or the dance floor) in quite the same way ever again. I may have said something similar once before, but this time I have scar tissue and shame to remind me of my trespass. Once things get a bit more visually appealing around here, I’ll be as a faithful to this blog as a chastised husband. (Which, I’m only guessing, means you’ll be getting action at least 2 or 3 times a week.)

In fact, just to keep myself honest, here are a few things that might surface on the waters of this page sometime soon: Read the rest of this entry »

Sometimes, Hawaiian turns off his television, and this is a decision he usually regrets.

And such was the case last weekend. While the rest of the country was enjoying a three day weekend, I was reminding myself that if you were to stick me in a crowd of gay men, one of these things is most certainly not like the others. I should have been smart and stuck to the Law and Order:CI marathon on USA. I could have played it safe and watched some sort of collection of shows about grilling on the FoodNetwork. Hell, I could fallen asleep outside and spent all of Monday night nursing a wicked sunburn, and that still would have been better than what I actually ended up doing to myself.

So just to give a bit of background, it’s probably wise to break down the gays for the rest of you a bit. To assign categories. To clear up some mystery. To let you all know that no matter how bad you think straight dating is, at least your bars aren’t segregated by criteria like body fat percentage, price of your jeans, and the presence or lack of chest hair. Needless to say, stepping into the wrong bar in the wrong bit of denim at the wrong point between waxings could be really traumatic for a gay man, which is why I tend to not go out at all.

Anyway, let’s take a look at some of the categories with broad strokes. It’s actually possible that you can cross over a couple of categories, but this is rare. It happens, though, and I’ll have to discuss this in a bit.

So, in alphabetical order…. Read the rest of this entry »